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The Personal Diary of Nick Capra
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My Fleshjack Blooper
So, every now and again while I am shooting a scene I run into technical challenges. Maybe there is a little mess with the bottom or a condom gets stuck in a model's ass. I've always considered solo scenes to be the easiest to shoot because the chances of a problem arising whilst shooting is cut in half. Now, I never thought I would have a technical problem with a toy-but leave it to me!
I can remember many a scene where the bottom I was shooting with had a hard time taking my dick, but in this case, it seems like the toy was jumping ship!
Check it out!
Poets, Priests of Nothing, Legends....
I have recently begun sorting through the hundreds of pictures I have had loaded on my C Drive. These pictures have kind of just been sitting in folders on my computer for the last 6 years or so. Because most of these pictures were taken from digital cameras, I've decided to create an account on SnapFish.com. I've sent in all the digital pics and I am having them converted to 4x6 prints. My goal is to take these prints and create photo albums. This way all of the MANY events, appearances, photo shoots, love affairs, relationships, friendships, adventures, nightmares, and magic can be archived and set into sequence-telling the story of my life-from start to finish.
Going through these pictures inspired many feelings in me. Remembering some of the most wonderful and dark periods of my life. Seeing pictures of me celebrating the last 3+ years of my sobriety was the most fun. Seeing pictures of me in the dark, drugged years of my life was tough. It was almost like little demons were casting spectral images onto my computer screen to haunt and terrify me all over again.
Of course the pictures that inspired the most intense feelings in me were the pictures of the many men who have come and gone in my life. So many intense, short lived flings! So many hot one night stands! And lastly, the relationships with the men that altered the course of my life forever.
There were a few men that inspired me to great heights. The deep love I experienced with them remains unrivaled by anything else I have ever known. The way that each of these men loved me was unique. And the love that they inspired in me was quite profound. In many ways, these were the men who wrote my poetry. Each of them inspiring me to grow in a different facet of my life. There have only been three men in my life that I truly loved. These men truly were my Poets. When I see pictures of them and I, reflecting moments from the past and present, I am reminded of just how blessed my life has been. These men still play vital parts in my life today. I don't stop loving them, because true love is infinite.
Then there were the men who inspired something a little darker. Lets face it. Relationships between lovers involves a very specific chemistry. And sometimes the chemistry can be explosive-not in a good way, either. I have brought out the worst in some men and there have been men that certainly have brought out the worst in me. That doesn't mean I have regret. These experiences were necessary for me to become the man I am today. Although, at the time I was carrying on with these men, my life seemed futile, dangerous, toxic and quite unhealthy. I fondly refer to these men in my life as the Priests of Nothing. They governed, they seemed to rule me for brief moments in my life, but the love just wasn't there. It never was. And just like that-they were gone.
I feel very blessed to still hold each of these men in my mind's eye. For better or worse-each of them helped shape and mold the human being I am today. Inevitably, these men brought me to my truth. They brought me to my fire.
And now as I compose these photo albums, illustrating the story of my life...these men become legends.
"And when they ask him about the men in his life...he says, 'As difficult as it has been - They were poets, and yet they were Priests of Nothing...but they were Legends'"
Goodbye, Daddy
I remember when I was a young boy, my father would come up the driveway and I would go rushing out the door to greet him. He would sweep me up in his arms and kiss and hold me. He always called me his little Monkey. My father was my hero. He represented such strength and power to me when I was a boy. He was a very big man. 6ft 4in tall. Stocky build. Deep voice. And, he had a personality that matched his stature. When he walked into a room people took notice. He wasn't the most attractive of men, but always the most endearing. He knew how to make people smile.
At soccer games, my dad was my biggest cheerleader. I remember the time that the referee made him leave the game because he was screaming and cheering so loud. My father's love made me feel so strong and drove me to be the best at whatever I attempted. I remember how excited I would be to show him my report cards, just because I knew he was going to smile with pride. I guess every son wants to know that he is the apple of his father's eye.
Then the storm came...My father had demons that I just couldn't ever comprehend. Those demons rose up and challenged the love of my family. They shattered the the bond that had once held me so close to him. My father became cold and distant. As he and my mother's relationship fell apart, I fell apart. My perfect life became a dreary existence. I remember towards the end of my parent's relationship, I would climb the tree in our front yard.I remember wishing that I could keep climbing high up to the sky and never come back down.
I never really understood why all of a sudden my father seemed to fall so so far out of my reach. It felt like I was trying to hold water and every time I would grasp at him he would quickly slip through my fingers. Often times I wondered what I had done wrong. I was convinced that I had done something to make my father not love me anymore. I thought if I could maybe run faster or try to love him harder he would see I was worthy again of his love. That illusion drove so much of my destructive behavior from my teen years all the way into my adult life. I hated myself for losing my father's love. For losing the man who I had come to know as my hero. My heart cried out for my Dad, but it just never seemed to be heard.
Time passed. Memories kept me a prisoner of the past. I fell so far down with drugs and destruction, I never thought I would come to know a peaceful existence again. My father reached out to me once in 2007, just a few months before I got sober. By then my spirit had become nothing more than a shadow. It reflected pain and misery. Sadness and despair. I pushed him away. Just as I tried to push everyone away that was trying to show me their love.
I believe that my father also suffered from guilt and self-loathing for losing his family. For losing his own grasp on reality so many years ago. I believe that he felt by leaving me alone, he could forget his own pain. I don't blame him for that anymore.
I got sober on Dec.17, 2007. I've reached out to my dad a handful of times in the almost three years that I have been clean. I never got any response. I've had to make my peace with that.
Last Sunday my mother told me that my dad was dying. She got word form my cousin in NY that my father had bone cancer and he had suffered from an acute renal failure. My boyfriend encouraged me to see him again, as frightened and scared as I was. I booked a flight to NY to see my dad the following week.
I was told that he was being transferred to hospice and that I would have the opportunity to see him again. The day before I left for NY, my father passed away.
I don't know what to say...I guess I always believed that we would be reunited again. But, I suppose every child wants that with their estranged parent. I held my father close to my heart and believed we would be together again some day. But, now he is gone.
Daddy...I still hear your voice. I still remember the smell of your cologne. I still love you now, just as I did before. These images wont ever fade or leave me. They are the things that help me to keep you alive in my heart. I hope that you are happy now and flying free with the angels.
I love you, daddy. And that will never change....
At soccer games, my dad was my biggest cheerleader. I remember the time that the referee made him leave the game because he was screaming and cheering so loud. My father's love made me feel so strong and drove me to be the best at whatever I attempted. I remember how excited I would be to show him my report cards, just because I knew he was going to smile with pride. I guess every son wants to know that he is the apple of his father's eye.
Then the storm came...My father had demons that I just couldn't ever comprehend. Those demons rose up and challenged the love of my family. They shattered the the bond that had once held me so close to him. My father became cold and distant. As he and my mother's relationship fell apart, I fell apart. My perfect life became a dreary existence. I remember towards the end of my parent's relationship, I would climb the tree in our front yard.I remember wishing that I could keep climbing high up to the sky and never come back down.
I never really understood why all of a sudden my father seemed to fall so so far out of my reach. It felt like I was trying to hold water and every time I would grasp at him he would quickly slip through my fingers. Often times I wondered what I had done wrong. I was convinced that I had done something to make my father not love me anymore. I thought if I could maybe run faster or try to love him harder he would see I was worthy again of his love. That illusion drove so much of my destructive behavior from my teen years all the way into my adult life. I hated myself for losing my father's love. For losing the man who I had come to know as my hero. My heart cried out for my Dad, but it just never seemed to be heard.
Time passed. Memories kept me a prisoner of the past. I fell so far down with drugs and destruction, I never thought I would come to know a peaceful existence again. My father reached out to me once in 2007, just a few months before I got sober. By then my spirit had become nothing more than a shadow. It reflected pain and misery. Sadness and despair. I pushed him away. Just as I tried to push everyone away that was trying to show me their love.
I believe that my father also suffered from guilt and self-loathing for losing his family. For losing his own grasp on reality so many years ago. I believe that he felt by leaving me alone, he could forget his own pain. I don't blame him for that anymore.
I got sober on Dec.17, 2007. I've reached out to my dad a handful of times in the almost three years that I have been clean. I never got any response. I've had to make my peace with that.
Last Sunday my mother told me that my dad was dying. She got word form my cousin in NY that my father had bone cancer and he had suffered from an acute renal failure. My boyfriend encouraged me to see him again, as frightened and scared as I was. I booked a flight to NY to see my dad the following week.
I was told that he was being transferred to hospice and that I would have the opportunity to see him again. The day before I left for NY, my father passed away.
I don't know what to say...I guess I always believed that we would be reunited again. But, I suppose every child wants that with their estranged parent. I held my father close to my heart and believed we would be together again some day. But, now he is gone.
Daddy...I still hear your voice. I still remember the smell of your cologne. I still love you now, just as I did before. These images wont ever fade or leave me. They are the things that help me to keep you alive in my heart. I hope that you are happy now and flying free with the angels.
I love you, daddy. And that will never change....
Robbie Ireland Solo
Hey guys!
I recently shot super-sexy, Robbie Ireland for my website, www.NickCapra.com I was looking for a blond this time. I totally wanted to shoot a guy who had that really cute, boy-next-door quality. Robbie fit the bill perfectly! Golden blond hair. Pretty cherub face. Beautiful ass! It was very stimulating for me to watch this boy show off for the camera. I even made him jerk off in his baseball cap to complete the image I was looking to capture for you guys. He had a great time and spanked his hot meat until he shot a nice load all over his stomach.
It was a terrific scene and I couldn't have been happier with the out-cum! =)
It's always a bit challenging for me to film a scene with a hot boy jerking off and not want to jump on him! But, its all about discipline these days!
The Robbie Ireland solo scene will be updated to my site, www.NickCapra.com May 6th.
In the meantime, be sure to check out the 25 full XXX scenes that already up-and running on my site!
I recently shot super-sexy, Robbie Ireland for my website, www.NickCapra.com I was looking for a blond this time. I totally wanted to shoot a guy who had that really cute, boy-next-door quality. Robbie fit the bill perfectly! Golden blond hair. Pretty cherub face. Beautiful ass! It was very stimulating for me to watch this boy show off for the camera. I even made him jerk off in his baseball cap to complete the image I was looking to capture for you guys. He had a great time and spanked his hot meat until he shot a nice load all over his stomach.
It was a terrific scene and I couldn't have been happier with the out-cum! =)
It's always a bit challenging for me to film a scene with a hot boy jerking off and not want to jump on him! But, its all about discipline these days!
The Robbie Ireland solo scene will be updated to my site, www.NickCapra.com May 6th.
In the meantime, be sure to check out the 25 full XXX scenes that already up-and running on my site!
The Final Scene
Hey guys! I recently announced that I will no longer be performing on camera with other models. Though, it's still hard for me to believe that I've come to this conclusion by my own accord - this is where my path has taken me. So, who was my last official scene partner??
It was Italian super-stud, Vinnie D'Angelo. (Though, a random model that was painting the room at the time was watching us and ended up jerking off on my chest, the scene was primarily Vinnie and myself. >;->
This particular scene was in no way planned to be my final duo performance I actually had no idea whilst filming with Vinnie that I would come to the decision to no longer perform with other models.
So yes, it was chance. Or maybe it was fate that made my last scene a big ol' bottoming extravaganza! I have spent the majority of my career filming as a top and about 95% of my personal life in that same facet. Bottoming has never come easily for me. And I love stickin' my dick in a hot hole. But, this scene actually turned out pretty hot! Vinnie was great. He is big and hairy and that's how I naturally prefer a man if he is gonna fuck me.
The scene was shot for www.cocksuremen.com
Also, make sure to catch me and some seriously hot Porn Stars and amateurs engaging in some hot XXX SEX on my website: www.nickcapra.com There is a free promo preview on the site as well as an Introductory first month special: $9.99
Check it out!!
Here are some promo pics that I promised to post..
ENJOY!!
It was Italian super-stud, Vinnie D'Angelo. (Though, a random model that was painting the room at the time was watching us and ended up jerking off on my chest, the scene was primarily Vinnie and myself. >;->
This particular scene was in no way planned to be my final duo performance I actually had no idea whilst filming with Vinnie that I would come to the decision to no longer perform with other models.
So yes, it was chance. Or maybe it was fate that made my last scene a big ol' bottoming extravaganza! I have spent the majority of my career filming as a top and about 95% of my personal life in that same facet. Bottoming has never come easily for me. And I love stickin' my dick in a hot hole. But, this scene actually turned out pretty hot! Vinnie was great. He is big and hairy and that's how I naturally prefer a man if he is gonna fuck me.
The scene was shot for www.cocksuremen.com
Also, make sure to catch me and some seriously hot Porn Stars and amateurs engaging in some hot XXX SEX on my website: www.nickcapra.com There is a free promo preview on the site as well as an Introductory first month special: $9.99
Check it out!!
Here are some promo pics that I promised to post..
ENJOY!!
Curtain Call
I can't believe how quickly the past three months have flown by! It's so strange because this is the first time in my sobriety that I haven't been traveling for work. Now that I have retired as an escort, my focus has turned to finding an adequate personal training curriculum to enroll in. We've been shooting for the website, but from a slightly different perspective. We've been shooting solo scenes of some really hot models with me still in the picture. Though there is no physical interaction with myself and the other models, you still get me in various states of undress, shooting and directing the models.
So, what has spurred this sudden change of direction with my website?
I have made the decision that I will no longer be performing on camera with other models.
I have shot 60+ XXX Videos over the course of eight years. I have also shot over fifteen scenes for my website, www.nickcapra.com where you can also see me performing with some of the world's most famous Porn Studs as well at some smokin' hot new faces. I now feel that the time has come for me to explore life without having sex on camera. I don't regret the past, nor do I wish to shut the door on it. Hell, I have shot some amazing scenes that have really translated into some beautiful imagery! I have literally been expressing and exploring my sexuality on camera and sharing it with the world for almost a decade!
I loved it! It was a huge part of my life and I am so very proud of all of the accomplishments I have made in my career.
But something has been missing. There is a piece of me that outweighs the 'Nick Capra persona'. This piece of me wants to explore and understand my sexuality on a much more intimate level. I believe that sex is one of the most powerful spiritual tools known to man. And just like any other spiritual tool, it can be used in many different facets. I want my sex-life to take on a a more sacred and personal meaning. I really want to explore sex with just one person. I want to see it grow and become more powerful.
Of course, there is still a part of me that cannot even believe I am uttering these words to you!
Maybe it's me just growing older. Maybe it's just me growing up. I don't have any answers as to why I have been feeling this way for the last three months. All I know is that this is where my path has brought me. This is my truth.
Don't go getting all misty eyed on me now! I will still be shooting solo scenes of myself here and there for my website, www.nickcapra.com And, I will definitely continue to bring you the hottest stars and amatuers engaging in that nasty, hot Capra-style sex that has become my trademark. www.nickcapra.com is my baby...It's my own flesh and blood and it will continue to grow and thrive. But, my days of performing with other hot models have drawn to a close.
I guess this is my curtain call..
I will be posting pics on the blog sometime this week of my last official duo scene. It was shot in January of this year.
(Any idea who it was with??)
This has been such an incredible ride! Remember the skinny Italian kid in"Finish Me Off", by Channel One Releasing? (My very first video) Thanks to Chi Chi for giving me my first break and my name is Porn. Thanks to all of the Studios both past and present that have cast me in their films. Rascal, Mustang, Hot House, Titan, Catalina, All Worlds, Jet Set, Studio 2000, Red Devil Entertainment, Lucas Entertainment..The list goes on and on!
Very special thanks to Jett Blakk, one of my heroes in this Industry. He has been directing me in his movies since 2002. Jett cast me as the star in his first on-location film in Paris, France. ("French Kiss",by Red Devil Entertainment)
Hell, he got me to bottom for the first time on camera as well! Most importantly, Jett was there for me when I was falling apart in those very dark years when drugs almost took my life. There are many associates to be made in this Industry, but very few friends. Jett has consistently been there for me as a friend, business partner ,and mentor for the last eight years.
And most importantly, to all the fans that have sent me so much love and support throughout the years. You guys have truly changed my life. Thank you from the bottom of my dirty little heart!!
Much love,
Nick
"If you go out to the woods today, you'll find he's no longer there."
So, what has spurred this sudden change of direction with my website?
I have made the decision that I will no longer be performing on camera with other models.
I have shot 60+ XXX Videos over the course of eight years. I have also shot over fifteen scenes for my website, www.nickcapra.com where you can also see me performing with some of the world's most famous Porn Studs as well at some smokin' hot new faces. I now feel that the time has come for me to explore life without having sex on camera. I don't regret the past, nor do I wish to shut the door on it. Hell, I have shot some amazing scenes that have really translated into some beautiful imagery! I have literally been expressing and exploring my sexuality on camera and sharing it with the world for almost a decade!
I loved it! It was a huge part of my life and I am so very proud of all of the accomplishments I have made in my career.
But something has been missing. There is a piece of me that outweighs the 'Nick Capra persona'. This piece of me wants to explore and understand my sexuality on a much more intimate level. I believe that sex is one of the most powerful spiritual tools known to man. And just like any other spiritual tool, it can be used in many different facets. I want my sex-life to take on a a more sacred and personal meaning. I really want to explore sex with just one person. I want to see it grow and become more powerful.
Of course, there is still a part of me that cannot even believe I am uttering these words to you!
Maybe it's me just growing older. Maybe it's just me growing up. I don't have any answers as to why I have been feeling this way for the last three months. All I know is that this is where my path has brought me. This is my truth.
Don't go getting all misty eyed on me now! I will still be shooting solo scenes of myself here and there for my website, www.nickcapra.com And, I will definitely continue to bring you the hottest stars and amatuers engaging in that nasty, hot Capra-style sex that has become my trademark. www.nickcapra.com is my baby...It's my own flesh and blood and it will continue to grow and thrive. But, my days of performing with other hot models have drawn to a close.
I guess this is my curtain call..
I will be posting pics on the blog sometime this week of my last official duo scene. It was shot in January of this year.
(Any idea who it was with??)
This has been such an incredible ride! Remember the skinny Italian kid in"Finish Me Off", by Channel One Releasing? (My very first video) Thanks to Chi Chi for giving me my first break and my name is Porn. Thanks to all of the Studios both past and present that have cast me in their films. Rascal, Mustang, Hot House, Titan, Catalina, All Worlds, Jet Set, Studio 2000, Red Devil Entertainment, Lucas Entertainment..The list goes on and on!
Very special thanks to Jett Blakk, one of my heroes in this Industry. He has been directing me in his movies since 2002. Jett cast me as the star in his first on-location film in Paris, France. ("French Kiss",by Red Devil Entertainment)
Hell, he got me to bottom for the first time on camera as well! Most importantly, Jett was there for me when I was falling apart in those very dark years when drugs almost took my life. There are many associates to be made in this Industry, but very few friends. Jett has consistently been there for me as a friend, business partner ,and mentor for the last eight years.
And most importantly, to all the fans that have sent me so much love and support throughout the years. You guys have truly changed my life. Thank you from the bottom of my dirty little heart!!
Much love,
Nick
"If you go out to the woods today, you'll find he's no longer there."
Grabby Nomination ~ Best Porn Star Website
I just found out today that my website, www.nickcapra.com was nominated for Best Porn Star Website at the 2010 Grabby Awards! I am always honored to be nominated for Awards. This website has been a labor of love and I am very proud to have seen it come to fruition and grow with every new scene that is produced.
Thanks to all of you that have taken the time to check out my website and to all the fans that have become members and continue to support my career! www.nickcapra.com is my baby, and it was created with the hopes that you guys would enjoy being a part of my fantasy world.
Much love and dirty talk to you all!!
Nick
Thanks to all of you that have taken the time to check out my website and to all the fans that have become members and continue to support my career! www.nickcapra.com is my baby, and it was created with the hopes that you guys would enjoy being a part of my fantasy world.
Much love and dirty talk to you all!!
Nick
NEW ~ Rod Daily Solo for NickCapra.com
Hey guys!
I recently had the opportunity to shoot super stud, Rod Daily, for my website, www.NickCapra.com
As I am sure you will agree, this guy was born for Porn! He has the most incredibly piercing blue eyes. Lets not forget to mention his perfect body and gorgeous ass!
I took the opportunity to Interview him before his scene. The guy is such a charmer and a total sweetheart. I love it when a model is self assured, with no attitude!
The scene was H-O-T. Rod flexed his muscular arms. Licked his biceps. Literally taunting me behind the camera. It was everything I could do to stay focused on the filming and not maul him. Especially when he was on all fours, triceps extended, ass winking at me. (I'm such a sucker for a pretty hole!) He stroked his hot cock, spit on it, stroked some more. Wait 'til you see him totally immersed in his own body, abs clenched, stroking that hot cock! He finished the scene, blowing a thick load all over his beautiful abs.
I was totally knocked out to have gotten the opportunity to have met Rod. This sexy fucker is definitely one of Porn's hottest tickets right now!
The hot solo of Rod Daily will be updated to my website, www.NickCapra.com on Thursday, March 18th.
If you haven't taken the time to check out my site, be sure to log on and see the 25+ scenes already up and running. The site features some of your favorite Porn Studs: Arpad Miklos, Robert Van Damme, Nick Piston, Scott Campbell, and of course, me!! Not to mention, the hot new faces, amateur sex scenes, and smokin' hot XXX Galleries. All of this and MORE is waiting for you at: www.nickcapra.com
xxx
Nick
I recently had the opportunity to shoot super stud, Rod Daily, for my website, www.NickCapra.com
As I am sure you will agree, this guy was born for Porn! He has the most incredibly piercing blue eyes. Lets not forget to mention his perfect body and gorgeous ass!
I took the opportunity to Interview him before his scene. The guy is such a charmer and a total sweetheart. I love it when a model is self assured, with no attitude!
The scene was H-O-T. Rod flexed his muscular arms. Licked his biceps. Literally taunting me behind the camera. It was everything I could do to stay focused on the filming and not maul him. Especially when he was on all fours, triceps extended, ass winking at me. (I'm such a sucker for a pretty hole!) He stroked his hot cock, spit on it, stroked some more. Wait 'til you see him totally immersed in his own body, abs clenched, stroking that hot cock! He finished the scene, blowing a thick load all over his beautiful abs.
I was totally knocked out to have gotten the opportunity to have met Rod. This sexy fucker is definitely one of Porn's hottest tickets right now!
The hot solo of Rod Daily will be updated to my website, www.NickCapra.com on Thursday, March 18th.
If you haven't taken the time to check out my site, be sure to log on and see the 25+ scenes already up and running. The site features some of your favorite Porn Studs: Arpad Miklos, Robert Van Damme, Nick Piston, Scott Campbell, and of course, me!! Not to mention, the hot new faces, amateur sex scenes, and smokin' hot XXX Galleries. All of this and MORE is waiting for you at: www.nickcapra.com
xxx
Nick
Confessions Of A Recovering Hooker
I have not really made much mention about the fact that I am no longer escorting. It never really occurred to me to publicly announce this. But, in retrospect, I think it is really important for me to share with you guys my thoughts on this part of my life-as it has been a HUGE part of my story for the last seven years.
I got into the Porn Industry in February, 2002. My boyfriend at the time, Troy Michaels, was fairly known as a Porn Star and a pretty big escort. I remember the pain that I used to experience every time he would go and turn a trick. It was unfathomable. I knew it was work. I knew that these men were, for the most part, not a threat to my relationship with him. But, it still took a piece out of me-out of us.
Somewhere in my deluded mind, it occurred to me that becoming an escort would be much easier than simply dating an escort. You know how the old saying goes... "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." In retrospect, that was not the wisest choice. It's almost like conceiving somewhere to your innermost self that becoming a perpetrator is somehow much easier than becoming a victim. And that's exactly what happened.
By the middle of 2002 we had broken up. On January 13th, 2003, I moved from LA to NYC to become a full-time escort. There I was-in NYC, living the life. Flying from NYC to LA, Palm Springs, San Francisco, and even Paris to shoot XXX videos.
I was making a lot of money. I was doing a lot of drugs. And just as my relationship had turned sour with my former prostitute boyfriend, all the rest of my relationships for the next seven years followed suit. If not falling prey to my drug habit, I lost all of my relationships due to my 'work' as an Escort/Porn Star.
Throughout the years, I have dated some AMAZING men. They simply couldn't handle it. And those that could...Lets talk about that for a minute..WHAT SANE PERSON DATES A PROSTITUTE?? Seriously!
Losing the relationships sucked!
But losing myself..so much worse. You forget who you are when you have a different name. When you are catering to other people's fantasies. What are my likes? What are my loves? Who am I??? I didn't know anymore. I had become a living image of whatever you perceived me to be. I was lost. I was in so much pain. And this infinity of perpetual aching stretched limitlessly.
Yes, yes, yes..I have traveled the world. I have made TONS of money. I have met some very interesting, amazing men along this path. But, the price I paid was very high. At the time it was happening I didn't see it. In the beginning, because I was so loaded. Copious amounts of drugs made my work so much easier. The dope left me despondent. I could share my body with anyone.
Then, even more reckless, I was living the life of an Escort/Porn Star in sobriety! No numbing. Just completely addicted to the money and the spotlight. I got so caught up in the 'circuit escorting' scene. Rentboy Pool parties/ Circuit parties across the country. My picture splashed EVERYWHERE. Traveling and escorting in other states. Award nominations. (I actually won Porn Star Escort of the Year at the 2009 International Escort Awards) And I thought that was living...I remember clearing $4500 in 3 days. It was great. It was money, But it wasn't love.
To be honest..looking back on it. It was a really empty existence.I'm a naturally loving guy. I am inclined towards relationships. I love sharing things with another man. One man. I sacrificed that for notoriety and money. I don't regret it. But, I can't live with myself any more that way either. The longer I am sober, the more I become connected to who I really am. The more the outside crap doesn't matter anymore.
I have a lot of friends that are still hookers and I don't judge them one bit! Just as I don't judge people who still party with drugs and alcohol. It's not who I am anymore, but judging them would be judging myself.
I am a 35 year old man who is just beginning to experience life again. I don't want there to be any strikes against me. I don't want there to be anything in my lifestyle that is thwarting my path anymore. I stopped using dope for that very reason.
To those boys out there who are just getting into the escorting Industry. Here ya go. It's lucrative. It can be filled with infamy and tons of notoriety and publicity. (Mine sure was!) I got EVERYTHING that I thought I wanted out of this Industry and NONE of it was what I REALLY wanted. You take from this what you want, and leave the rest for the next reader...
So now, the next natural step for me is my retirement as an escort. I'll miss the money from time to time, but what do I gain? I get to experiment with true monogamy in my next relationship. Something I have not given myself permission to do in seven years!! I get to re-establish my sex esteem. I'm not just a sex toy that can be rented. I am a sexual being and my sexual powers are something that I'm going to learn to honor. I understand that healing from all of this isn't necessarily going to happen overnight. But, that's what my shrink is for!
And lastly, for those of you wondering how on earth my next relationship could be considered 'true monogamy' if I'm still a Porn Star. If I'm still performing with other men. I guess I'm gonna have to save that for another confession...
xxx
Nick
I got into the Porn Industry in February, 2002. My boyfriend at the time, Troy Michaels, was fairly known as a Porn Star and a pretty big escort. I remember the pain that I used to experience every time he would go and turn a trick. It was unfathomable. I knew it was work. I knew that these men were, for the most part, not a threat to my relationship with him. But, it still took a piece out of me-out of us.
Somewhere in my deluded mind, it occurred to me that becoming an escort would be much easier than simply dating an escort. You know how the old saying goes... "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." In retrospect, that was not the wisest choice. It's almost like conceiving somewhere to your innermost self that becoming a perpetrator is somehow much easier than becoming a victim. And that's exactly what happened.
By the middle of 2002 we had broken up. On January 13th, 2003, I moved from LA to NYC to become a full-time escort. There I was-in NYC, living the life. Flying from NYC to LA, Palm Springs, San Francisco, and even Paris to shoot XXX videos.
I was making a lot of money. I was doing a lot of drugs. And just as my relationship had turned sour with my former prostitute boyfriend, all the rest of my relationships for the next seven years followed suit. If not falling prey to my drug habit, I lost all of my relationships due to my 'work' as an Escort/Porn Star.
Throughout the years, I have dated some AMAZING men. They simply couldn't handle it. And those that could...Lets talk about that for a minute..WHAT SANE PERSON DATES A PROSTITUTE?? Seriously!
Losing the relationships sucked!
But losing myself..so much worse. You forget who you are when you have a different name. When you are catering to other people's fantasies. What are my likes? What are my loves? Who am I??? I didn't know anymore. I had become a living image of whatever you perceived me to be. I was lost. I was in so much pain. And this infinity of perpetual aching stretched limitlessly.
Yes, yes, yes..I have traveled the world. I have made TONS of money. I have met some very interesting, amazing men along this path. But, the price I paid was very high. At the time it was happening I didn't see it. In the beginning, because I was so loaded. Copious amounts of drugs made my work so much easier. The dope left me despondent. I could share my body with anyone.
Then, even more reckless, I was living the life of an Escort/Porn Star in sobriety! No numbing. Just completely addicted to the money and the spotlight. I got so caught up in the 'circuit escorting' scene. Rentboy Pool parties/ Circuit parties across the country. My picture splashed EVERYWHERE. Traveling and escorting in other states. Award nominations. (I actually won Porn Star Escort of the Year at the 2009 International Escort Awards) And I thought that was living...I remember clearing $4500 in 3 days. It was great. It was money, But it wasn't love.
To be honest..looking back on it. It was a really empty existence.I'm a naturally loving guy. I am inclined towards relationships. I love sharing things with another man. One man. I sacrificed that for notoriety and money. I don't regret it. But, I can't live with myself any more that way either. The longer I am sober, the more I become connected to who I really am. The more the outside crap doesn't matter anymore.
I have a lot of friends that are still hookers and I don't judge them one bit! Just as I don't judge people who still party with drugs and alcohol. It's not who I am anymore, but judging them would be judging myself.
I am a 35 year old man who is just beginning to experience life again. I don't want there to be any strikes against me. I don't want there to be anything in my lifestyle that is thwarting my path anymore. I stopped using dope for that very reason.
To those boys out there who are just getting into the escorting Industry. Here ya go. It's lucrative. It can be filled with infamy and tons of notoriety and publicity. (Mine sure was!) I got EVERYTHING that I thought I wanted out of this Industry and NONE of it was what I REALLY wanted. You take from this what you want, and leave the rest for the next reader...
So now, the next natural step for me is my retirement as an escort. I'll miss the money from time to time, but what do I gain? I get to experiment with true monogamy in my next relationship. Something I have not given myself permission to do in seven years!! I get to re-establish my sex esteem. I'm not just a sex toy that can be rented. I am a sexual being and my sexual powers are something that I'm going to learn to honor. I understand that healing from all of this isn't necessarily going to happen overnight. But, that's what my shrink is for!
And lastly, for those of you wondering how on earth my next relationship could be considered 'true monogamy' if I'm still a Porn Star. If I'm still performing with other men. I guess I'm gonna have to save that for another confession...
xxx
Nick
PORN STUD BLOG NOMINATED~VOTE FOR ME!
Hey Guys!
Just got word that my blog was nominated for Best Porn Blog at the 2010 International Escort Awards.
Though I am no longer escorting, I am still honored that the blog was nominated. This is the one place where I can get real and talk about things off the cuff, so to speak.
For all of you that read this blog and support my writing, please take a moment to go to this link and vote for me!!
http://www.rentboy.com/Awards/vote.asp
Just got word that my blog was nominated for Best Porn Blog at the 2010 International Escort Awards.
Though I am no longer escorting, I am still honored that the blog was nominated. This is the one place where I can get real and talk about things off the cuff, so to speak.
For all of you that read this blog and support my writing, please take a moment to go to this link and vote for me!!
http://www.rentboy.com/Awards/vote.asp
Thanks so much to everyone who has supported me and my writing throughout the years!
xxx
Nick