"The greatest thing you will ever do is to simply love and be loved in return.." ~Moulin Rouge

I realize that I have been posting lots of links to Interviews, pics, and promo stuff for my site. Some of you have posted comments asking what has happened to the personal writing. I guess I have shied away from that over the past several months. It's always easier to be personal when things are going well in my life. I guess I find it a bit more challenging to write about the struggles I experience. Don't we all? Being authentic with thousands of people can be a bit inhibiting.
Lets rewind several months back...Aaron and I had just broken up. It wasn't just an ordinary break-up. He was a first for me in many ways. He was my first long-term, sober relationship. We traveled together. We laughed together. We would look at one another and already know what the other one was thinking.
 Aaron had a bit of a drinking problem. My being sober, made it incredibly difficult for me to endure the way he would become whilst intoxicated.
Our relationship was severed due to Aaron's drinking and my work. Aaron would drink to deal with the emotions he was stuffing, and that would lead to him becoming verbally abusive towards me. I was overcome with fear.
Fear is like an evil corroding thread. My very existence became engulfed with it. I have discovered that fear drives delusions. I fell under these delusions like a dark spell, and those delusions become my reality. Out of fear, I reacted by doing the one thing I have always done in the past. I ran. I left Aaron before either of us could hurt one another any further. 
The second we parted, I began to experience an uncomfortable pain. The very kind of pain that I had run from for so many years. My natural inclination before I got sober was to numb the pain-ususally by consuming copious amounts of dope. That was no longer an answer for me.
What was my solution? Work. Travel. Get away. Don't think about it. Forget him. Five cities in thirty days. All of the travel, the men, the attention... 
A month had passed since I had broken up with Aaron. I returned home from my travels. The pain that I had managed to temporarily subside, resurfaced.  
I met a man at the gym while working out one day. He smiled at me. I smiled back. We engaged in conversation. We connected on some level. I asked him for his phone number. I instantly began to romanticize him. I never once took a moment to consider that this man that I had met could have very well become an amazing friend. 
After a few dates the two of us decided to become exclusive. Done deal. There was no really trying to get to know one another. Just committed to one another without hesitation. Just jumped into it. What happens when we make choices based on a re-bound?  We stumble. We hurt ourselves. We also hurt others in the process. I automatically expected this brand new relationship with this really nice guy to become the relationship I had always wanted to have with Aaron. How could that be possible? Love is something that happens over an extended period of time. Love is about intimacy. Companionship. Compromise. Trust. It is slow to build and requires much attention. Just like a fire built from the earth.
Don't mistake my words. I did care for him. But the way I cared for him was a far cry from the way I loved Aaron. So, what became of this new whirlwind relationship? We experienced problems from the start. I placed unreasonable expectations on this man. I blamed him for my own restless spirit.  There was a feeling of tension and a constant struggle for power and control between the two of us. 
But I continued. I simply insisted on challenging the hands of destiny. I painted over the messy picture with flowers and romance. Things that should come naturally with time, I rushed into the first month of our relationship. It was overwhelming and exhausting.  I tried to create my own reality with him. Just like I did when I was on drugs. At least when you are getting high, you can rationalize the insanity as being attributed to the substances. When this kind of chaos ensues in sobriety, it can be really earth shattering. 
We broke up. We got back together. We argued. We reconciled. He drank excessively. He vomited everywhere. I have fought so hard for my sobriety and then I experienced this  AGAIN with my new lover. It was devastating. Pretty much every single thing that defies love happened in the short time we were together. Nothing that defined love was ever there.
I knew I was in turmoil. It really had nothing to do with this man. I was totally unhappy and I wasn't willing to seek a proper solution. Yet.
I continued to sabotage my current relationship. I promised to take my boyfriend dancing that night in Tijuana for after- hours. (something he loves) We had left a club in San Diego and minutes before we were supposed to leave for Tijuana, I said I didn't want to go.(The fact that he was once again shit-faced drunk and really annoying me might have been a motivating factor there as well) He said he wanted to walk home instead of spending the night with me. I didn't argue or apologize. I simply let him go. Between my flaking on him that day and my refusal to take him to after hours that night, my boyfriend was spent. He was through. He sent me a text telling me that it was nice to have dated me, but to never contact him again. I was relieved. But I still knew in my heart that I had handled the situation wrong.

I couldn't let the relationship end the way it did. I wrote a letter making my ammends, admitting my shortcomings, and asking if there was anything I could do to make things right.
The stress and tension were finally gone. I feel like sobriety has given me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, without becoming self-destructive. As long as I am quick to see where I have been at fault and what I can do to improve my behavior, it's all good. 
So what have I learned from this experience?
Honesty begins with me. If I am not honest with myself about my true feelings, I am incapable of being honest with others.
Nobody can be a substitute for love. It just doesn't work that way.
Most of all...
 Love is something sacred. It is something that happens over time. And most surly..Once you have found true love, treasure it with every cell in your being!
xoxo
Nick

"Love is a word that some entertain, If you find it you have won the game.." ~Stevie Nicks